i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
