I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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