He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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