He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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