she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
