you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
