I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
