I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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