I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
