We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
