just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line