I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
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U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
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You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
did i just pee glitter