Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
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The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
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He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.