she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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