Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
