I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
