two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
