They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I FOUND THE LEGS
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
