who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
