She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
