when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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