Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
