dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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