he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm having to shit out rocks
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