Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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