I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
