I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
