I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
