Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
