I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
