My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
