the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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