i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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