I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
