Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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