The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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