Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
