Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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