textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
