Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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