i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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