you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I didn't notice because vodka
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
