I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Randomize
