Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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