I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
