I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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