Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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