I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
