How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
