My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
