her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
