He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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