last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
