Please, let me fuck your mom
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The air taste purple.
Randomize
