i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
