Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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