the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Randomize
