I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
