How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
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you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize