M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
