Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Terrible idea I love it
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
