You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
