Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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