can we get nightvision for the apartment?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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